Expert Retirement Planning

Many happy couples hit marriage troubles when one or both retire. The massive lifestyle changes brought on by retirement transform patterns that have been in place for years. In some cases, the strain is so great that it ends in divorce. In this article we'll look at the types of strain that retirement can put on a marriage and some steps to make sure that your most important relationship doesn’t break down.

Marriage Troubles and Retirement

Couples rarely retire at the same time, and a study into post-retirement marriage stress by psychologists Jungmeen Kim and Phyllis Morris found that couples reacted differently depending on their combinations. For instance, newly retired men tended to experience more marital conflict than non-retired men, and newly retired men with employed wives generally had a higher rate of conflict than those with unemployed wives.

Obviously not every case is the same, but there are certainly some trends that can be drawn out. Couples who get on together easily before retiring are most likely to continue living harmoniously together. Those with more tempestuous relationships may have a harder time - conflicts and sticking points which in the past were manageable, or which even added a bit of spice to the marriage, may boil over when the couple starts spending a lot more time together. And anyone can experience a rocky period.

One common source of conflict is when a husband retires before his wife, yet doesn't pick up the slack on household chores. This can lead to understandable feelings of resentment from wives. This same problem can also occur when only the husband has been working - all of a sudden he is home all the time, making a mess, yet not cleaning up after himself. In Japan there's even a slang term for this - the cockroach husband.

Retirement goals are another potential source of conflict. One spouse may be desiring a life of adventure - overseas holidays, cross-country jaunts and mountain biking. The other may be looking for plenty of time in the garden and dinners at home with the family. When these dreams diverge too sharply, the potential for conflict is obvious.

Beating Marriage Stress in Retirement

One important thing that couples can do is communicate openly and honestly with each other. Talk about your retirement hopes and dreams, and come up with a plan that allows for a balance of both. You can't be selfish in this situation - if your goals differ, a bit of give and take may be necessary. Also, be honest with each other about the state of your relationship and try to work through any issues.

Another important thing is to prepare for the transition from employment to retirement. If you're both working, talk about who should retire first. Potentially, you could go down to part time employment before retiring, and get used to spending more time together.

It will also be helpful to be very clear about who is responsible for what in the house. You need to decide between you what a fair division of labour in the house is. Not doing so leaves the door open for conflict - one partner (usually the husband, but not always) may feel like they're doing plenty to help out, while the other fumes about what they perceive as a lack of help. Eventually these feelings could boil over into a full-blown conflict. An honest conversation can help clear the air and pave the way for a better situation.

You may also need to set some boundaries. Obviously you're going to be spending a lot of time together, but it's important to also make plenty of individual time. If your house permits, having a separate space each (such as a study) makes sense. There are other types of boundaries too - for instance, you may not like someone else interfering with your work in the kitchen. Make sure your partner understands and respects that.